The Selphie Tillmitt Hotline
by Asian Caucasian Princess
Summary: Selphie's own show! It;s really weird! people call to get advice on there problems and Selphie helps out. Some of the stuff is kinda sick. NO FLAMES! Hope you like it! R and R!!


The Selphie Tillmitt Hotline.  
  
Author: Yuna Clendenen  
  
Hello...hello...I am a werido...which means I write crazy stuff. This is a fic about Selphie having her own show kinda gross in parts..hey I was pretty bored...O.o my first fic...be nice! I'm asian Caucasian!  
  
The horror begins....starting...NOW!  
  
Balamb Garden a beautiful site....filled with fun..laughter...and EVIL SELPHIE TILMITTS! GGGWA!!  
  
Selphie: I am evil! *eyes go red* Hee hee! I'm sooooo happy!  
  
Yuna: Can I start my story now?   
  
Selphie: Heeyy you the author!  
  
Yuna: Damn Skippy.  
  
Selphie: What's up!  
  
Yuna:......  
  
Selphie: Not the friendly type?  
  
Yuna: Let just continue.  
  
Selphie: AHH YOU SOUND LIKE SQUALL!  
  
Yuna: *yawns* Let's get this over with.  
  
Selphie: Ok on with the show! Bye bye Yuna Clendenen!  
  
Yuna: *walks off* and good riddence.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
The scene: A dark room with one chair....oooo!  
Annoucer: Hello everybody! And welcome tooooooooo The Selphie Tillmitt Hotline! With you hostess with the mostess SELPHIE TILLMITT!  
  
Selphie: Hello! Welcome to my hotline! I can't wait for your calls! *sits down in the chair* So..do we have a caller?   
  
Caller: Hi..is this Selphie Tillmitt's Hotline?  
  
Selphie: Gee golly whiz! Oh of course! Now what problem are you having trouble coping with?  
  
Caller: Well...I..I..want this one guy but he never pays attention to me..what should I do!  
  
Selphie: Umm? Piss in his room and leave a note saying "I want you I need you Oh baby!"  
  
Caller: Tried that.  
  
Selphie: Spank him.  
  
Caller: Did that.  
  
Selphie: Oh for heaven's sakes just rape the damn thing!  
  
Caller: I..uh...tried...that.  
  
Selphie: DAMMNIT I KNOW THIS IS YOU QUISTIS! YOU CAN'T GET SQUALL SO JUST STOP POUTING ABOUT IT!  
  
Quistis (caller): But..how did you know it was me? Selphie..I. *Selphie hangs up*  
  
Selphie: Next caller please! WOO-HOO!  
  
Caller: Go out with me!  
  
Selphie: err..next!  
  
Caller: WAIT! NO!   
  
Selphie: *hangs up* Next.  
  
Caller: Su'p!?  
  
Selphie: *sigh* What Zell..  
  
Zell: I was wondering....umm..I have a hotdog problem.  
  
Selphie: I can't help those kind of problems! KEEYA!  
  
Zell: It's serious!  
  
Selphie: Fine...  
  
Zell: All my life..I only had one hotdog..the joy of it all. It was the best thing ever *tears up* I want more...I never had one since 1987!  
  
Selphie:....Uh Zell..why don't you try a new food? There is plenty out there!  
  
Zell: No no, you don't understand!  
  
Selphie: Hotdogs are bad for you! They mess up your damned body and crush you into bloody pulp!  
  
Zell: But..but..  
  
Selphie: Try pickles! Or..my absolute favorite hambuger buns! Plain sweet hambuger buns! Yum Yum!  
  
Zell: But Selphie I..  
  
Selphie: HYNE DAMNIT! JUST TRY SOMETHING KNEW HYNE DAMN ONCE! *hangs up* NEXXXXTTTT!!  
  
Caller: Hi Selphie! It's me Rinoa!  
  
Selphie: Hey soul sista!  
  
Rinoa: I called your so super cool hotline thingy it's the best!  
  
Selphie: Oh isn't though?!  
  
Rinoa: I really have a problem.  
  
Selphie: Why Rinoa! You of all people!?  
  
Rinoa: Yes. I'm having trouble with my clothes!  
  
Selphie: Your clothes? Why your clothes?!  
  
Rinoa: It's kinda hard to say on public T.V.!  
  
Selphie: Oh well say it anyways!  
  
Rinoa: Selphie...  
  
Selphie: JUST SAY THE STUPID THING! IT'S PROBABLY EVEN NOT THAT BAD! HYNE'S SAKE!  
  
Rinoa: Ok...fine..my clothes always seem to get ripped off.  
  
Selphie: Eww! What are you doing to your self, honey!  
  
Rinoa: It's NOT me Selphie! It's....it's Squall..OK!  
  
Selphie: *Gasp* SQUALL! Woah back up, back up did you say Squall! As in "The bitchy scary guy with no feelings"?!  
  
Rinoa: YESS! Everynight we..uhh..umm..he..uh..  
  
Selphie: Rips off your clothes...right?  
  
Rinoa: Exactly!  
  
Selphie: And...do you want that to happen?  
  
Rinoa: Well you see...it's not that I don't like it..it's just I would prefer to take my own clothes off before we have sex.  
  
Selphie: AHH YOU GUYS HAVE SEX!  
  
Rinoa:.....  
  
Selphie: Ok ok! Sorry Rinny...well..uhh...gosh...tell him not too.  
  
Rinoa: It's not that easy!  
  
Selphie: How hard is it!?  
  
Rinoa:...To hard to explain.  
  
Selphie: I understand perfectly..there is nothing I can do for you sorry Rinny!  
  
Rinoa: Wait!! I can't stand it any..*Selphie hangs up*  
  
Selphie: Our next caller is a person with a speech problem! ^.^  
  
Caller: HELLO.  
  
Selphie: Hi poor person with speech problem!  
  
Caller: ....HELP.  
  
Selphie: Oooo!! Differently I think I can help!  
  
Caller: GOOD.  
  
Selphie: Now is about your "speech" problem?  
  
Caller: NO.  
  
Selphie: Then what is it, man!?  
  
Caller: SEX.  
  
Selphie: ?!? Ermm umm..what kind of problem?  
  
Caller: MASTURBATE. ADVICE.  
  
Selphie: Oh dear....you want some masturbating advice? I'm sorry litttle Selphie Tillmitt does not masturbate! Nor will she ever!  
  
Caller: TOO. BAD.  
  
Selphie: SORRY FUIJIN!  
  
Fuijin: *stunned and embrassed* NOT. FUIJIN!! *hang up*  
  
Selphie: Phew! What a night! Next caller please! We have a male from Texas?!  
  
Caller: Please Selphie go out with me! I won't read porno anymore!  
  
Selphie:..Ehh heh heh..go away Irvy this show is for only people with probs!  
  
Irvine: But I do have probs! The problem is you don't wanna go out with me!  
  
Selphie: Get off of my show your wasting time! SCRAM!  
  
Irvine: Wait my love! My butter cup! My pumpkin! *Selphie hangs up*  
  
Selphie: Ok next pweese!  
  
Caller: Greetings.  
  
Selphie: So what problems are you dealing with this fine summer afternoon?  
  
Caller: SeeDs..#$@% them!!  
  
Selphie: Heeeeey!! This is an anti-potty mouth program!  
  
Caller: I don't give a %*@#!!  
  
Selphie: What's wrong with SeeDs?  
  
Caller: They Sukk! Kurse them!  
  
Selphie: *gulp* I know that lame excuse for a russian accent anywhere! It's Ulti oatmeal!  
  
Ultimecia: That's Ultimecia..  
  
Selphie: Sorry...but how the crap are you still alive!  
  
Ultimecia: I'm not! I'm in hell! Satan let me use the pay phone for 50 gil.  
  
Selphie: Oooooooh! Well you problem sure is stupid!  
  
Ultimecia: You don't know what kind of life I live in now! Thanks to SeeD, Demons kut my eyes out, nibble on them, and push them back in! It's daily!  
  
Selphie: Sucks to be you.  
  
Ultimecia: *lighting a cigerette* I know, huh?  
  
Selphie: Well there is no wrongies with SeeD! I am a proud member of it!  
  
Ultimecia: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY! You, equals SeeD!?  
  
Selphie: Yup I'm a SeeD!  
  
Ultimecia: KURSE YOU! *hangs up*  
  
Selphie: WOOOOOO! Next please!  
  
Caller: *in a low fakey voice* Want some sweet phone sex?  
  
Selphie: Go away Irvy!  
  
Irvine: Awww man! *hangs up*  
  
Selphie: *yawns* Next please!  
  
Caller: My ballz itch.  
  
Selphie: ??!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE! EVERYONE IS A SEX-FREAK! FOR THE LUV OF HYNE, STOP THE MADNESS!  
  
Caller: Hell fire.  
  
Selphie: AHHH IFRIT!!  
  
Ifrit: I told ya my problem, What ever shall I do?!  
  
Selphie: Just go buy some cream or something! *hangs up* Next caller pleassse!!  
  
Caller: ...  
  
Selphie: Yes? Hello?  
  
Caller: ...  
  
Selphie: How may I help you?! HELLO! Is this some kind of joke!?  
  
Caller: ...  
  
Selphie: Oh forget it! *hangs up* Next lucky caller!!  
  
Caller: I need you back in my arms once again!  
  
Selphie: Oh cut the crap Irvy!!  
  
Irvine: Sorry! Geez! *hangs up*  
  
Selphie: It's been a lonnng day! Next!  
  
Caller: Must...have..hot..dogs..  
  
Selphie: Zell!? You again?! I told you to eat hamburger buns! Now piss off! *hangs up*  
NEXT! How may I help you?!  
  
Caller: I'm sooo pissed off!  
  
Selphie: And why is that?  
  
Caller: I falied the exam again!!  
  
Selphie: AHA! It's Seifer!  
  
Seifer: No $hit..  
  
Selphie: I got the answer too your probelm!  
  
Seifer: Whut, huh?  
  
Selphie: You never pass because your a dumb-assed kid who doesn't follow the rules! NEXT!!  
  
Seifer: Hey, hey, hey, DO YOU KNOW WHO THE HELL YA TALKIN' TOO? HUH? BITCH! DO YOU GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON I SHOULDN'T BEAT YA FACE IN RIGHT NOW! YOU STUPID..*Selphie hangs up*  
  
Selphie: Next please!  
  
Caller: *singing* Let's get it on..  
  
Selphie: IRVY!!   
  
Irvine: Opps! *hangs up*  
  
Selphie: Oh my lord...next.  
  
Caller: ......Hello.  
  
Selphie: Hiya! What can I do for ya!?  
  
Caller:...Help me find a better girlfriend.  
  
Selphie: Oh is this you Squally!?  
  
Squall:...No comment.  
  
Selphie: I'm gonna answer your problem right now. NO YOU CAN NOT HAVE A BETTER GIRLFRIEND! Yer gonna keep Rinny!  
  
Squall: You mean RinHOa?  
  
Selphie: How dare ya! Your the one who rips her clothing off! Whos' the pervert now!!!??  
  
Squall: ....  
  
Selphie: GOTCHA!  
  
Squall: I love her and all...it's just that...  
  
Selphie: Just what!? Is she JUST your "sexslave"?  
  
Squall: Oh hell no.   
  
Selphie: Then don't rip her clothes off! What has she ever done to you!  
  
Squall: ...You really wanna know?  
  
Selphie: Yes certainly!  
  
Squall: She pushes me against the hallway wall and frenches me.  
  
Selphie: GOOD GRACIOUS! Seriously?!  
  
Squall: Yeah.  
  
Selphie: Suductive, eh? Rar..  
  
Squall: Whatever...  
  
Selphie: Well do you like it when she does it?  
  
Squall: .......Ye-Yeah..  
  
Selphie: Then keep her! Case closed! *Hangs up..at least she thinks..*  
  
Squall: *off phone but Selphie hears* Rinoa, baby?  
  
Rinoa: Yes, hottie?  
  
Squall:... *ripping sounds*  
  
Selphie: *gasp* I must know what happens!  
~5 minutes later~  
  
Rinoa: OH GOD SQUUUAAAAALLLLL!!!! OOOOOOOOOHH GODDDDDDD!!!!!  
  
Selphie: *winches* Ok enough with that! *hangs up immediately* Oww my ear drums hurt! Next!  
  
Caller: Hey fo-xy la-dy..  
  
Selphie: YOU AGAIN!?  
  
Irvine: AHH! *hangs up*  
  
Selphie: *sigh* Next..  
  
Caller: Oh no! Major problem over Sefie!!  
  
Selphie: What is it?  
  
Caller: I can't send anyone to the past anymore!! GWAA! What will become of me!  
  
Selphie: Put a butt in it, Ellone! *hangs up* Next please...  
  
Caller: Ya...know?  
  
Selphie: Damnnit Raijin! *hangs up* NEEEEXT!  
  
Caller: Hello young one, you see I need more body tape for this here dress, and I was wondering do you have any, Selphie, dear?  
  
Selphie: Sorry Matron, all out! *hangs up* Next..are last caller for the day! FINALLY!  
  
Caller: .....I love you more than life it's self!!  
  
Selphie: IRRRRRVVVVVVYYYY GO AWAYYYY! YOU RUINED EVERTHING!!  
  
Irvine:....My bad. I love you Selphie!!  
  
Selphie: Grrr..  
  
Irvine: SOORRRYY! *hangs up*  
  
Selphie: Thanks alot for the calls! That about wraps it up for today! Joins me next time on The Selphie Tillmitt Hotline!  
  
Yuna: Yup the story directed by me! Yuna Clendenen!  
  
Selphie: WOAH!! The author! Umm..heh heh got to go check my room and see if uhh..Irvine is hiding in the closet! B..bye!  
  
Yuna: Hee hee! *messes up the studio with spray paint and blue wax.  
  
~The End~  
  
Hi! Hope y'all liked my fic! REVIEW! Tell me if I should do a nother one like this. 


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